By Victor Antonio
WARNING: Do not read this piece of sales satire if you don't have a sense of humor...you've been duly warned.
I had an errant thought this morning, “How would your sales
team function if Barack Obama was VP of Sales for your company? What would his sales incentive policy look
like?” Well, I took a shot at it….
The Obama Sales Compensation Policy
Bylaw 1: The top 10% of salespeople exceeding quota and
making more than $250,000 must donate 50% of their earnings over that amount to
the bottom 40% of salespeople not achieving their quota which is protected
under the Equal Commissions Opportunity Act or if you’re green (with envy) The
ECO Act.
Bylaw 2: Salespeople not achieving their quota may borrow
‘sales credits’ (Other People’s Profits – OPP) to make up the difference from
the newly created Department of Sales Credits (DSC). The credits are to be paid back only if and
when you start performing; otherwise the credits will be resold to other
unsuspecting companies in ‘tranches’.
Bylaw 3: All incentives will be capped at an appropriate
level to be determined by a new oversight and regulation committee on Fair
Sales Earnings (FSE) policies.
Bylaw 4: Customers who can’t afford to buy your products but
show interest may apply for a low interest, sub-prime loan; no background check
required as to avoid any invasion of privacy.
The 401k holdings of the top 10% of sales performers will be used to
guarantee these loans. Only salespeople whose
quotas are at 40% or less in terms of performance may apply for these loans. No down payment is required by the customer;
credit score considerations are optional.
Bylaw 5: Client Entertainment: When entertaining a client,
including CEOs, Presidents and VPs, they will be required to pay for their own
lunch or dinner. The top 10% of
salespeople are not allowed to purchase amenities of any kind for their clients
as it would put the bottom 40% at a disadvantage. All deviations from this policy must be
submitted in writing (triplicate) to the Federal Bureau of Incentives (FBI) for
board reviews held every 6 months or once a year.
Bylaw 6: “No Salesperson Left Behind” will focus on training
salespeople who are performing below expectations. The cost of the program will be paid by funds
generated from salespeople exceeding their quota. (See Bylaw 1)
Bylaw 7: Mileage allowances for company owned cars will be
reduced by 3%. You can offset the cost
by keeping your tires at the correct pressure throughout the changing seasons. Gauges will be provided free of charge ONLY
to Low Income Sales Earners.
Finally, if you have any complaints as an underperforming
salesperson,…
Bylaw 8: Salespeople will be allowed to form a union to
protect those who aren’t achieving their fair share of the quota and risk
losing their jobs. No salesperson shall be terminated for lack of performance
or other mitigating factors such as: sales call reluctance, poor presentation
skills, weak closing tactics et al. Please
contact the United Salespeople of America-1984 (USA-1984) guild for further
questions or if you feel (proof is optional) your sales rights are being
violated by the top sales performers.
Democrats Take Note: Now, before you get all mad at me...take a deep breath and think back to a time when you had a sense of humor!
